Forgiveness is about our healing, not the person who wronged us.

I come from a broken home. My father left when I was 11. It was a very explosive divorce. He was abusive. After he left, my mother was very abusive. So were my brothers. And the babysitter. And my mom's boyfriend's friend, whom we barely even knew. I tried killing myself several times. My brother actually succeeded. A lot of people hate me because they got burned by a fire that I have disciplined myself to keep away from others. I have never hurt anyone the way I was hurt, but I have ruined romantic relationships and friendships in my younger years, sabotaging anyone who got close to me. Afraid that I would hurt them, and vice versa. I was usually right, though, how much of it was my subconscious doing, I do not know.

I was sexually abused one time in my life, and it really ruined several relationships due to problems I had with intimacy. I had blocked out this memory from the age of 12 until I was 22 years old, and at that time, I was able to almost fully recall everything that happened. I was sworn to secrecy at the time by my abuser, and so I just buried it. Working through it was not easy because I do not have a Time Machine. I cannot go back and warn others that I was like an injured animal, and not to approach me. Hurt people hurt people.

What steps or tools have been most helpful in your healing process?

Prayer above all. Next would be the ability to open up and talk with compassionate people who love me.

I met my wife, and she's helped me heal exponentially. I think healing from emotional trauma is not something we can do on our own. We need someone to feel compassion for us because we are human. During a time in my life when my family was barely surviving, I was intensely and aggressively bullied by a large group of my peers every day at school. This went on for months; they would tell me daily, "You should just kill yourself." These memories are a very deep cut; the psychological and emotional scar tissue is extreme. They embarrassed me many times in front of the whole class, and they humiliated me daily. Like I said before, I did try multiple times to commit suicide, yet here I am. My life has purpose, and it would have been very sad if I died at 8 or 11 or 13 or 18 or 23. Thanks to my wife listening to my pain, I no longer have to hold all of it in anymore.

Sometimes we just need a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen to us sincerely. It does get easier the more you are able to talk about it, but only speak about it with those you truly trust, because trauma is a very sensitive subject for us all. Forgiveness is about our healing, not the person who wronged us. We forgive for ourselves, so that we can let go of whatever it is that hurt us. We have to let it go so we can move on and heal.

K.C.