Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: A Journey to Healing, Boundaries, and Balance

My name is Nikki, and I'm from the San Francisco Bay Area in California. I'm the daughter of a beautiful person who hadn't found her healing yet when I was born. When I came into the world, I was met with rejection and disappointment. Though I don't remember this, I do know that I have always had a deep knowing that survival meant pleasing my mother and ignoring my own wants and needs. I have always been a people pleaser, and I felt a sense of shame when I had needs. I did my best not to be a burden and to make people in my life happy.

Growing up in a conservative Christian community, this type of self-denial was rewarded. I was told to live by the motto: "God first, others second, I'm third." However, the downside of avoiding negative feelings and my own needs/wants included being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and experiencing memory and immune issues for many years. Avoiding my own needs and wants also resulted in ignoring red flags in relationships, stress, and burnout. And on a more subtle level, I found myself unable to cry, ask for support, or receive comfort.

As I got older, I started to learn about the downsides of people-pleasing from enlightened friends. I learned through books, podcasts, and articles about the subjugation of women through socialization and began noticing and practicing healthy boundaries with the support of a therapist and friends. However, I was unable to let go of the shame of needing/wanting until a powerful Brainspotting session. Through the session, I was able to experience a felt sense of hopelessness that felt like it went all the way back to my infant self. As I stayed with the hopelessness and waited, I suddenly found myself wanting to live - and live a full life. It's like a lightbulb went on (not in my thoughts, but in my body), and I was able to see all of the people in my life who WANT to support me, hear my wants/needs, and comfort me. I felt my hands want to grab, like an infant reaching for food/comfort, and for the first time, maybe ever, I didn't feel shame.

I can't even describe how happy and excited I was after that session. I wanted to hug everyone I saw! Since that session, I have found myself able to cry in front of others... not everyone, but trusted people who I know want to support me. I think that being generous and giving to others is an important part of my life, but now it doesn't feel like it comes from a place of fear. I can give to others and receive from others, and the balance I find in that feels sustainable and abundant. Don’t give up. Even really old wounds that seem so long ago can heal. And healing changes things!

Nikki P